WANTED
Dead or Alive · For Disruption of Traditional CDN Commerce
CLOUDFLARE
a.k.a. "The Platform Outlaw" · "Free Tier Bandit" · "Worker's Hero"
Last Known Whereabouts
285+ hideouts (PoPs) across 100+ countries. Headquarters: San Francisco, CA. Established 2009. Commands ~30% of global CDN territory — the largest outlaw operation in the land.
Distinguishing Marks
Workers V8 isolates (sub-5ms cold start). R2 storage (zero-egress brand). D1 database (beta). Pages static hosting. Turnstile CAPTCHA. Argo Smart Routing scar across left cheek. Orange bandana.
Known Associates
Wrangler CLI, GitHub Actions, Terraform, every major framework. Powers ~20% of all websites — the biggest posse in the territory. IDC MarketScape 2023 Leader.
Weapons of Choice
Unmetered DDoS on all plans including free. WAF (OWASP rules). Zero Trust (Cloudflare One). Mitigated record 71M rps DDoS in Feb 2023 — largest attack ever recorded at the time.
Charges Filed Against Subject
▸ Disrupting traditional CDN pricing by offering enterprise-grade CDN + DDoS + SSL at $0
▸ Launching R2 storage with zero egress fees, threatening AWS S3 toll roads (GA Sep 2022)
▸ Building an entire edge compute ecosystem (Workers/KV/D1/Durable Objects) that enables full applications without origin servers
▸ Mitigating a record 71M rps DDoS attack in February 2023 — proving the free sheriff protects as well as the paid ones
Bounty · Cost to Apprehend
$0 — $200/mo
Free (unlimited CDN) · Pro $20/mo · Business $200/mo · Enterprise: negotiated
Sheriff's Assessment
The most wanted in the territory — and the hardest to bring to justice because the free tier is genuinely powerful. The Workers ecosystem is years ahead of any competitor's edge compute. The 71M rps DDoS mitigation in February 2023 is the single most impressive defensive action this office has recorded. Weaknesses: advanced WAF locked behind $200/mo Business tier; community-only support on free/Pro. Considered armed with the broadest feature set and extremely dangerous to legacy pricing models.
WANTED
For Monopolizing Enterprise CDN Territory Since 1998
AKAMAI
a.k.a. "The Old Sheriff" · "ISP Ghost" · "Linode Acquirer"
Last Known Whereabouts
4,100+ safe houses embedded inside ISP networks across 135 countries. Headquarters: Cambridge, MA. Founded at MIT 1998. The oldest and most deeply entrenched operator in CDN territory.
Distinguishing Marks
Kona Site Defender WAF (~100% detection). Prolexic DDoS (20+ Tbps). Bot Manager Premier. In Feb 2023, launched Akamai Connected Cloud (Linode integration) — adding cloud computing to the arsenal.
Known Associates
Fortune 500 companies, banks, governments, global broadcasters. Linode (acquired March 2022, $900M). Big 4 consultancies and SI partners serve as deputies.
Weapons of Choice
Adaptive Media Delivery for broadcast-grade 4K streaming. EdgeWorkers JS. Property Manager (300+ rules). Image & Video Manager. The deepest security arsenal in the land.
Charges Filed
▸ Controlling the largest CDN infrastructure ever built — 365,000+ servers no one else can access
▸ Acquiring Linode for $900M (2022) and launching Connected Cloud (Feb 2023) to become a full cloud competitor
▸ Charging enterprise-only custom pricing with no free tier — running the most exclusive saloon in town
▸ Maintaining 25 years of unbroken heritage dominance in media streaming and financial security
Bounty · Cost to Apprehend
$$$$$ CUSTOM
Enterprise contracts only · Typically thousands/month · Annual commitment · SI partners required
Sheriff's Assessment
The former sheriff of CDN County — still controls the largest territory but facing new outlaws from all directions. The Connected Cloud launch in February 2023 signals the most ambitious expansion in the subject's 25-year career. Kona/Prolexic security remains the gold standard — no one shoots straighter. But the bounty is the highest in the territory, EdgeWorkers compute trails Cloudflare Workers by years, and the setup requires a specialist posse. The Linode acquisition may prove to be the most consequential land grab of the decade. Approach with enterprise budget.
WANTED
For Excessive Speed · 150ms Cache Purge Violations
FASTLY
a.k.a. "Quick Draw" · "The VCL Gunslinger" · "150ms Kid"
Last Known Whereabouts
~70 hideouts (PoPs) worldwide. Headquarters: San Francisco, CA. Established 2011. Fewer safe houses but each one is a heavily fortified, high-capacity outpost.
Distinguishing Marks
150ms global cache purge — the fastest draw in the territory. VCL (Varnish Configuration Language) branded on right arm. Compute@Edge Wasm holster. Red bandana. 462 Tbps capacity.
Known Associates
GitHub, NYT, Shopify, Stripe, Spotify. Signal Sciences WAF (acquired 2020). 100% real-time log streaming gang — no information held back.
Weapons of Choice
VCL edge logic for programmable caching. Compute@Edge (Rust, JS, Go via Wasm). Signal Sciences WAF — Gartner Customer's Choice. Instant purge is the primary weapon. No free-tier derringer.
Charges Filed
▸ Operating at speeds exceeding the legal limit — 150ms global purge is an order of magnitude faster than any competitor
▸ Providing 100% real-time log streaming — refusing to withhold any information from clients (unlike competitors who throttle)
▸ Recovering from the June 2021 global outage (85% network down) with improved safeguards and zero-cost-to-character atonement
▸ Demanding $50/month minimum — no free passage through Fastly territory, no exceptions
Bounty · Cost to Apprehend
$50/mo MINIMUM
Usage-based · $50/mo floor · Premium pricing for premium velocity · No free tier
Sheriff's Assessment
The fastest gun in the territory — bar none. The 150ms purge is not marketing; it is a verified ballistic capability no other outlaw possesses. VCL gives Quick Draw a level of tactical control that Cloudflare Workers approaches from a different angle. But the ~70 PoP network means coverage gaps in frontier regions, VCL demands expert marksmanship, and the $50/month minimum excludes settlers on a budget. The 2021 outage was a rare misfire; the 2023 recovery is complete. For engineering posses who need precision over breadth, this is the most lethal draw in CDN County.
WANTED
For Grand Theft Value · Stealing Market Share at $0.01/GB
BUNNY.NET
a.k.a. "The Budget Bandit" · "Slovenian Speedster" · "Penny-a-Gig"
Last Known Whereabouts
~100 hideouts (PoPs) growing to 114 by year's end. Headquarters: Ljubljana, Slovenia. Established 2012 with just 3 servers by one developer. 85,000+ customers by 2023.
Distinguishing Marks
$0.01/GB in EU/NA with $1/mo minimum. Sub-29ms global latency. Bunny Optimizer (auto WebP). Bunny Stream video platform. Edge Storage. Perma-Cache. Orange rabbit insignia on left shoulder.
Known Associates
WordPress plugin ecosystem. Indie developers, startups, e-commerce operators. The 85,000+ customer posse is growing fast. Discord community for rapid communication.
Weapons of Choice
Transparent billing with spend caps. Clean dashboard. Fast human support. Basic DDoS protection. Free SSL. Edge Rules for caching logic. No enterprise WAF — keeps the arsenal light and affordable.
Charges Filed
▸ Charging $0.01/GB when competitors charge $0.04–$0.085/GB — undercutting the entire territory
▸ Delivering 29ms global latency from ~100 PoPs — rivaling networks 3× its size
▸ Building Bunny Stream into a viable video hosting platform without enterprise pricing
▸ Maintaining a clean record — no major outages on file, no scandals, just quiet competence
Bounty · Cost to Apprehend
$0.01 / GB
$1/month minimum · Volume: $0.005/GB over 500TB · Spend caps prevent runaway bills
Sheriff's Assessment
The most charming outlaw in the territory. Started with nothing — three servers and a dream — and built a network that rivals the establishment. The $0.01/GB price tag is the stuff of Wild West legend. The clean dashboard and fast human support earn high marks from deputies in the field. However, security armaments are light (no enterprise WAF, no bot management), edge compute is still in early development, and analytics are basic. For settlers, small ranches, and WordPress homesteads, this is the best value in CDN County. Approach with admiration, not caution.
WANTED
For Practicing Extreme Minimalism in CDN Territory
KEYCDN
a.k.a. "The Swiss Watchmaker" · "No-Frills Ned" · "Quiet One"
Last Known Whereabouts
~35 hideouts (PoPs). Headquarters: Winterthur, Switzerland. Established 2012. The quietest operator in CDN County — never causes trouble, never makes headlines.
Distinguishing Marks
$0.04/GB with $4/mo minimum. HTTP/2, Brotli compression. Free Let's Encrypt SSL. RESTful API. Real-time stats. 14-day free trial, no credit card. Swiss flag tattoo.
Known Associates
WordPress users, bloggers, small business operators. Developers who prefer simplicity over spectacle. No major enterprise allies — this is a solo operation.
Weapons of Choice
Pure CDN delivery — no WAF, no edge compute, no storage, no video. Cache rules, origin shield, instant purge. The weapon is simplicity itself: fast delivery at a low price with zero complexity.
Charges Filed
▸ Refusing to add features — deliberately staying minimal while others build empires
▸ Offering a 14-day free trial with no credit card — letting settlers try before committing
▸ Operating a 5-minute setup that makes enterprise competitors look absurdly complex
▸ Maintaining Swiss neutrality — no vendor lock-in, no ecosystem dependency, no drama
Bounty · Cost to Apprehend
$0.04 / GB
$4/month minimum · Pay-as-you-go · Volume discounts beyond 10TB · No contracts
Sheriff's Assessment
The quietest outlaw on the board. KeyCDN doesn't rob stagecoaches or shoot up saloons — it simply delivers content fast and cheap, then tips its hat and moves on. The ~35 PoP network is the smallest here, meaning higher latency in frontier regions. No WAF, no edge compute, no video — this is a one-trick pony, but it's an excellent trick. Swiss engineering principles applied to CDN: precision, reliability, zero bloat. For blogs, business sites, and developers who need fast static delivery without ceremony, KeyCDN is the most harmless and quietly effective outlaw in the territory.